100s list challenge

Ok guys - I have a challenge for all of you - to post a "100s list" I will start it and then we each have to do one. If you look at my other blog you can see my first list and if you check out jolanda, kelly and vicki's links you can read thiers too for ideas of how they are done. My other list is not too personal just cause i dont know some of the girls that read it that well - this one will be deeper.

1. wow - i just drew a blank
2. i just got back from an alanon meeting
3. i went back to alanon last week for the first time in several years.
4. it was awesome - gives me peace in my crazy brain
5. i hate my crazy brain sometimes - it goes too fast and it is not always nice to my heart.
6. this is much harder to do when you guys already know me.
7. so it might be a 50s list.
8. lets see - who am i? I am generally peacefull and happy
9. but i love excitement in spells
10. i am kind and usually gentle with others feelings
11. I am a great big sister... lol
12. actually i really wonder sometimes what the role of big sister is and how i can do it well
13. ususally i dont think about it and am just me
14. i stress out about forgetting katie or forgetting something i am supposed to do for her... like taking her to her first day of kindergarten...
15. dont ask its a long story.
16. i stress out about not getting enough sleep, or about rob not getting enough sleep
17. i get a little bit cranky when i am stressing out about sleep....
18. just a bit
19. i wish to god i was more confident in myself
20. i get these gut wrenching feelings of inadequacy out of the blue
21. i hate being afraid of rejection
22. i am desperately afraid that someday, somewhere, i will turn out to be alone, embarrassed, abandoned, and scorned.
23. i know that is stupid to think or be afraid of but its on such a visceral level i cant seem to get it out
24. i have tried alot of different things to get it out: counselling, alanon, yoga, meditation, rieki
25. they all help and add to my defenses against this fear, but it is still there.
26. its hard to put words to - its more of just a feeling.
27.but at the same time on another level i am so comfortable with myself... like the cranky over sleep stuff... thats me and its ok
28. i can feel that too - who i am. just cant get that feeling to stay all the time
29.mom please dont feel guilty - i know you do sometimes
30. i do believe i am like this for a reason, and when i do get to figure out how to live with that real me feeling all the time i know it will be awesome.
31. i think you guys are all so cool
32. mom is the ultimate example of selflessness and dedication to children. you are my idol
33. doug is funny... my fountain of useless knowledge... and one of the few men i can talk to and really get- you can explain guy stuff very well.
34. Ash is so passionate - you have so much energy in your character - and you are so pretty. your sarcasm cracks me up too
33. Geoff is so confident - i envy your innate knowledge that you are good. you are steady and true, you surprise me with your new talents and abilities too - the whole physical labour stuff. lol
35. i like to pick on Geoff - hope you know its all in fun - it just fits you - please dont ever think i am putting you down.
36. Ross is so artistic - your photography is unreal and your sports ability amazing. you are decisive and know what you want - you are also passionate but able to live life unplanned. my free spirit.
37. i really dont know if i want more kids or not
38. part of me yearns for it... that biological clock thing
39. part of me just doesnt want it... the sleeplessness, the dependance, all the work of another kid
40. part of me is afraid that another pregnancy and more stress might throw off the bit of mental balance that i have. sometimes i feel like i am walking a tight rope and i can make it accross the way things are now - but what if i fall off and end up in depression or just a crazy bitch?
41. thats the only scarry one - i know i could deal with the sleep and work stuff...
42. oh well, if its meant to happen it will find a way.
43. i am starting to believe in that more and more - i really think there is some spiritual power in the world that guides each of us on our life path - and if we look there will be signs for what way we should go - if not sometimes things just happen anyways.
44. i love my family - rob, katie and i
45. i am so happy to have rob - he complements me very well
46. he should actually compliment me more often... lol
47. i cant wait for katie to grow into a teenager so i can see who she will be.
48. she is such a mix of the two of us - its almost wierd.
49. i swear she can read my mind sometimes.
50. i put all my favorites in the profile already and i also have my other 100s list so i think i will end it here.

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jen